Posts tagged self improvement

1. Be wise in your choice of partner. We are attracted to others because of different things. For example, they compliment us constantly and boost our self-esteem; they remind us of a person we once loved or admired; or they spend money on us and buy us lots of gifts. However, you should look for a partner who has great qualities, who shares most of your values, and is trustworthy and kind.

2. Know what your needs are in a close relationship. Also, communicate these needs; don’t just don’t drop some subtle hints. And remember, too, most partners can’t read each other’s mind.

3. Always act in ways that your partner can respect – as respect and liking are closely intertwined. 

4. Learn how to handle conflict in close relationships. Because we’re different people we’re bound to disagree. We need to learn to negotiate, to sometimes give and take. Also learn to say you’re sorry and admit you’ve made mistakes.

5. Solve problems when they have happen. Don’t shut your partner out. Don’t write them off as stupid or as hyper-critical.

6. Invest time, thought and energy in the relationship. You need to make the effort to keep the fires alive.

7. Enjoy and maintain friendships with other people, too, and don’t look to each other to build your self esteem.

8. Accept that love is something that tends to ebb and flow. Don’t base your love on feelings as they’re highly changeable. It’s how you act that matters – and shows you truly care.

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.

2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by old, painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those old memories return.

5. Seek to be a person who’s at peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6. When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an ease process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle - as one day you’ll be free.

1. Trichotillomania is where the sufferer is overcome by the powerful urge to pull out their own hair. This is includes eyelashes, scalp and facial hair, and even pubic hair. Where the person also consumes the hair, it can lead to something called “Rapunzel Syndrome” (intestinal problems caused by the body’s inability to digest human hair).

2. Foreign Accent Syndrome is usually the result of experiencing a stroke or severe brain injury. It results in the person speaking with a different accent – and one that they haven’t been exposed to personally. For example, an American will speak with a British accent or a Brit may start to sound as if they’re from New York.

3. Genital Retraction Syndrome is exactly what the name implies. It’s the irrational belief that the genitals or breasts are physically shrinking, and will disappear inside the person’s body, and will lead to their death.

4. Windigo Psychosis is where the person is fighting a constant craving for human flesh. At the same time, he or she is also afraid that they will become a cannibal.

5. Body Integrity Identity Disorder is rare and difficult to comprehend.  It is where the individual is convinced that their life would be significantly better if they were amputees – hence they feel the urge to have a healthy limb removed.  However, this usually leads to a psychiatric diagnosis and not the removal of their limb! 

1. It makes us seem trustworthy: We generally interpret a genuine smile to mean that this is someone who is honest and trustworthy. Those who smile are rated higher in generosity, in extraversion and in friendliness

2. If you smile when you get caught you’re more likely to get off: Somehow we think that those who smile are really nicer people so we tend to be willing to treat them leniently.

3. It eases embarrassment: If you do something stupid like slip on a banana, or trip and fall in the middle of a mall, people laugh with (not at) you if you laugh or smile. That is, it changes their reaction so they’re less likely to mock. 

4. If you smile with others when they share good news, you’re less likely to feel jealous or annoyed at them: Interestingly, even if we smile politely but we feel slightly annoyed, our emotion quickly changes and we feel happy ourselves. Somehow we feel much better for having chosen to be “nice”.

5. It can ease any feelings of distress or pain: Smiling stops us spiralling into negativity and eases our feelings of shock and distress - if we force ourselves to smile when something bad happens to us.

6. It can help with problem-solving: When we’re stressed or nervous our focus seems to narrow and it makes it harder to find answers or solutions. But when we smile, the tension eases and we think of more ideas.

7. It can increase your ability to make money: Those who smile at their colleagues and their customers are usually more successful and are frequently promoted.

8. Smile and the world smiles with you: If you smile at other people, they will often smile at you, and they’ll tend to see you in a positive way!

A healthy relationship means that both members of the couple are…

1. Communicating with each other: Talking about problems without screaming and shouting; listening to each other, and respecting their viewpoint; being willing to adapt and to sometimes change their mind.

2. Showing respect for one another: Valuing the other person’s culture, beliefs, viewpoints, opinions and boundaries. Also, treating each other in a kind and caring way.

3. Demonstrating and conveying trust: Each person is trustworthy and trusts the other person – because they have been shown that they are worthy of that trust.

4. Honest with each other: Both are open and honest – but are private as well; and they don’t demand the other person tells them everything.

5. Equals: They make joint decisions and treat each other well. No person calls the shots or determines all the rules.

6. Able to enjoy their own personal space: As well as spending time together, they spend time on their own. They’re respect the fact they’re different, and they need their own life, too.

7. Decisions about sex are discussed, and are consensual: They discuss sex together, including birth control. There’s no one individual sets the rules and standards here.

Signs of an unhealthy relationship

An unhealthy relationship develops where one, or both, of the partners is…

1. Failing to communicate: Problems are ignored, or not talked about at all. One or both don’t really listen, and they rarely compromise.

2. Acting in ways that are disrespectful: One or both are inconsiderate toward the other person; and they don’t behave in ways that send the message that they care.

3. Refusing to trust the other person: One or both is suspicion of their partner’s loyalty. Hence, they make false accusations, or won’t believe the truth.

4. Acting in a way that is dishonest: One or both is deceptive, or they lie and hide the truth.

5. Acting in a controlling way: One person thinks that they should set the one who rules, controls the other person, and say how things should be.

6. Beginning to feel squashed and smothered / cutting themselves off from friends and family: One partner is possessive, or feels threatened and upset, when the other’s with their family or spends time with their friends.

7. Attempting to pressurise the other into sexual activity / refusing to talk openly about birth control: One partner wants the other to participate in sex, or to engage in different practices against that’s person’s will. Or, one of the partners stops using birth control, or expects the other person to “take care of all that.”

Signs of an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship develops when one of the parties…

1. Starts to communicate in ways that are abusive: When arguments occur, one of the partners screams and cusses, or they verbally threaten or attack the other person.

2. Shows disrespect through acting in abusive ways: This is where one of the partners abuse, harms or threatens the physical safety of the other individual.

3. Wrongly accuses their partner of flirting or cheating: One of the partners is convinced – with no real grounds – that their partner is cheating or having an affair. Thus, they lash out verbally, or hurt, the accused partner.

4. Refuses to accept responsibility for the abuse: When they fly into a rage or act in ways that are abusive, they miminise their actions and refuse to accept blame. They may even blame their partner for “causing the abuse.”

5. Starts to control the other partner: One partner has no say as the other sets the rules – and arguing against that simply leads to more abuse.

6. Does what they can to isolate their partner: One partner has control of who the other person sees, the way they spend their time – and, even, clothes they buy and wear. Thus, they start to lose their confidence and personality.

7. Forces sexual activity: The frequency, type and circumstances for sex are determined by one partner – and the other must comply. If they don’t acquiesce it leads to violence or abuse. Also, sometimes violence is included in the sex.

1. Stop fantasising:  Those with too rosy a picture of the future tend to put less effort into reaching their goals. Instead, it’s better to be open to some things going wrong. It will help you see the obstacles - and think through beating them.

2. Visualise process NOT outcome: If you can think through all the steps you will forge a better plan … and it will also help reduce anxiety.

3. Be committed: You won’t achieve anything without getting started; and you won’t ever finish if you give up easily.

4. Beware of the “what-the-hell effect”: Too many just give up when they stumble or fall down. For example, think of all the dieters who binge at the first hurdle. It’s better to get up – and see a trip as very normal. It’s happens to us all – so don’t abandon your plan.

5. Attack procrastination: It’s easy to procrastinate when getting going’s tough. Make a start, keep your head down, and set yourself some deadlines. Once you start you’ll feel much better and the road won’t seem so hard.

6. Switch out of robot mode: A lot of behaviour is robotic and habitual. We copy other people or we do “the same old, same old”. Take stock … and change those patterns … if they don’t lead to your goals.

7. Know when enough is enough: Sometimes we also need to know when there’s no point going on. We’re flogging a dead horse and thing are never going to change. It’s time to alter your direction or to work on something else.