Posts tagged self esteem
Posts tagged self esteem
Do you always give in, or let other people choose, or hide what you think, or never ask to have your way? Perhaps you fear disapproval or disappointing others, and the last thing you want is to make somebody mad. If this profile describes you then you may be a people pleaser … and maybe it is time to stand up for yourself. Below are some tips that can help you with this:
1. Think of five occasions when you’ve said or done something that didn’t really match up with your own wants and needs – but you ignored those in order to please somebody else. Now, take the time to think through what else you could have done to get what you wanted, instead of caving in. Ask yourself “What is the worst thing that could possibly have happened? What were my worst fears, and were they realistic fears?”
2. Examine your fears in a balanced way. Would it really be so awful if a friend got annoyed? Do you need that type of person? What if they walk away? There are lots of other people who won’t demand compliance but will accept and respect you for who, and what, you are.
3. Look at your ability to set boundaries. Ask yourself, “What requests and behaviours are unacceptable to me?” Can you separate what’s normal from what’s unreasonable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with respect? Are you able to say “no” and enforce good boundaries?
4. Look at your background and your family life. A lot of people pleasers were raised in families that expected full compliance – so their needs were not considered. Instead, they were expected to join in, to keep their feelings to themselves, to do what others wanted, and not ask for anything.
5. Don’t look to others for your self-esteem. It is good to be kind and to think of other people – but you must do that out of choice not a need for approval. And if you let other people determine your self-worth then you’ll never be free to a unique individual.
6. Learn to say “no” without explaining yourself. Don’t think of explanations, or justify yourself, or explain your different reasons, or ask to be excused. You’ll be surprised to discover people rarely take offense - and the people who do are not the ones you want to please!
7. Start to ask for what you want. Start to share your opinions, desires and ideas. Begin to make some requests, and to disagree with others. We’re all individuals with different preferences and healthy relationships are based on give and take.
1. Pay attention to what bugs you – it could be telling you something important about yourself.
2. Don’t just live with blah or negative feelings. Decide that you will fight to have a happier life.
3. Don’t change or stifle your personality. You’re valuable and special – so be true to who you are.
4. Pay attention to your physical symptoms. They may be highlighting unresolved frustrations, pain that needs addressing, or deep unhappiness.
5. Notice where your mind goes when it starts to wander. This often gives you insights into wishes, hopes and dreams.
6. Be willing to acknowledge and face your fears as they’re stopping you from going for the life you want to have.
7. Instead of feeling jealous or envious of others ask yourself what is missing from your own life right now.
1. Pay attention to your posture. Stand straight, and don’t slouch.
3. Look people in the eyes. Averting your gaze or looking down at your feet sends the message that you’re feeling insecure.
4. Take your time - so you look more relaxed and ease with yourself, and with your ideas and decisions.
5. Speak slowly, carefully and with self-belief. Don’t mumble or continually apologize for yourself.
6. Accept compliments from others (don’t deflect them, or quickly brush them off).
7. Dressing with confidence often helps us feel more confident about ourselves. Don’t be afraid to try new things, and to look as if you have a (positive) statement to make.
8. Be aware of your positive qualities and strengths. Keep reminding yourself that it is great to be you!
1. Know when it is a good time to be sorry. It’s appropriate to say something when someone has received bad news, or you’ve really made life difficult for someone else. However, a lot of the time an apology is not required. Learn to know the difference between the two occasions.
2. Notice who you tend to apologize to. Are there certain people who undermine your confidence, or who leave you feeling as if you’re always wrong? In those situations, you’re allowing someone else to act as if they’re more important than you.
3. Try to notice when you’re starting to apologize. Habits are often hard to recognize. They’re usually automatic, and we’re only semi-conscious of patterns we fall into, and things we tend to say. For example, do you repeatedly find yourself saying sorry for someone else’s mistakes? Do you tend to just say sorry to stop an argument?
4. Try and look for the roots, or the need, you’re covering up. For example, perhaps an authority figure (parent, teacher, older sibling, coach) used to get angry if you didn’t “just shut up” or take the blame. Alternatively, you may feel you can’t really share the way you feel – so you just apologize and repress your true emotions.
5. Related to the above, consider how your drive to apologize to others is likely to affect you much further down the road. For example it is likely that you’re building up a heap of grievances, or you may pull back from get close to those you love.
6. Decide to establish and enforce your boundaries, and to say “no” to others – without also saying “sorry”!