COUNSELLING BLOG

Posts tagged relationship

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How to Deal With A Narcissist

1. Don’t expect empathy, understanding or praise and recognition from a narcissistic person.  Keep your private thoughts and feelings close to your heart, and don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable.

2. Expect them to be rude and to say offensive things.

3. Don’t be offended by the things they say and do as it’s not about you – they treat others the same way.

4. Make a lot of their achievements and praise them publicly as they’re always looking to be noticed and affirmed.

5. Don’t try to get a narcissist to see things differently as they’re not going to change, or be influenced by you. 

6. Understand that a narcissist is going to drain you dry – and will guilt you into think that you haven’t done enough. But it’s actually not true. They just can’t be satisfied.  

7. Don’t push for a meaningful relationship with them as it will always be one-sided … look for love from someone else.

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Help for when a Relationship Ends

1. Try not to take it personally. Some relationships were never meant to be, and some simply don’t work out in the end. It isn’t always a reflection on you (or even them).

2. Act as if you’re happy, and are coping, with your life. Often, “fake it till you make” can make a difference. It can give you needed strength so you can make it through each day.

3. Choose to be thankful for the happy memories; and choose to forgive all the heartache and the pain.

4. See this as a stepping stone – the future lies ahead. You may still meet someone special who will bring you happiness!

5. Let go of the old memories, the unmet expectation, the bitter disappointments and frustrated hopes and dream. Only then will you be ready to live and love again.

6. Be patient, understanding and kind to yourself. It takes time to recover from a major loss in life.   

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How to be social when you don’t feel like it

1. Give your energy level a boost. It’s hard to be friendly, and to focus on others, if you’re feeling really tired and would rather be in bed. To keep going, grab some coffee or a bite to eat, or go outside for a few minutes, and get some cool, fresh air.

2. Have some tactics at the ready if you don’t know the people – or if you have to be with people you would rather avoid. For example, if you don’t like the people, ask a friend to go with you … and have a great excuse for leaving once you’ve done the minimum.   

3. Plan ahead to avoid conflict. Aim to stay in control of your reactions and emotions – and resist the pressure to take part in arguments.

4. Control your contribution. If you’re quiet and introverted then value you who you are. Don’t expect yourself to be a party animal. Show respect for yourself by taking time out if you need to, and only talk to people that you want to be around.

5. See it as a chance to practices a few social skills. Take the pressure off yourself by practising your social skills. For example, ask a few open questions, and keep the focus on the speaker. Try and come across as friendly through your use of body language – like making good eye contact and smiling while you talk.

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How to Deal with Impossible People

1. Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason.

2. Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there’s nothing you can do about it. You just need to find a way to deal with them.

3. Do not call out an impossible person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with them. Instead of reaching a place of reconciliation, he or she is likely become even more difficult.

4. Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people specialise in shifting the blame.

5. "Detach, disassociate and diffuse." Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference.

6. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of getting angry. Chances are that anything you do or say while angry will be used against you in the future. So, do what you can to stay cool and in control.

7. Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person. If possible, try and only deal with them in when others are around.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People (Abridged)

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Give up defining yourself - to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You will come to life. And don’t be concerned with how others define you. When they define you, they are limiting themselves, so it’s their problem. Whenever you interact with people, don’t be there primarily as a function or a role, but as the field of conscious presence. You can only lose something that you have, but you cannot lose something that you are.
Eckhart Tolle

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How to Develop your Personality

1. Work on becoming an exceptional listener. There’s nothing more attractive, and appealing, than someone who listens intently to you.  

2. Keep reading, and seek to develop a wide range of interests. That makes it easier to talk to you, and to exchange ideas with you. You also come across as being a more interesting, balanced, and knowledgeable.

3. Work on developing your conversation skills.  This is partly tied in with number 2. It’s about being able to make small talk and to share interesting bits of information with others. If you are shy, or you find this difficult, try to watch and learn from others who are strong in this area. Then, try copying and implementing some of the basic skills they use.

4. Don’t be afraid to have your own opinions. It’s good to know what you think about things as this provides a starting point for making conversation. (But be careful not to come across as rude, dominating, or to push your thoughts and views on other people!)

5. Get out and meet new people. This also helps develop our people skills as it forces us to interact with those who’re different from us. Doing that, will broaden and expand your horizons and make it easier to mix with lots of people.

6. Appreciate, enjoy and express your true self. You are special and unique – so discover who you are – and don’t try to copy, and be like, someone else.

7. Work on developing a positive and optimistic approach to life. There’s nothing worse than being with people who are critical, complaining, miserable and pessimistic.  In contrast, a positive person lifts the mood of everyone. So smile, affirm others, and look for what is good.

8. Also, maintain a sense of humour, laugh often, and have fun. We all want someone who can brighten our way, and distract us from the hassles and problems of the day.

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How to Deal with an Annoying Know-It-All

1. Try to understand why they’re acting that way. Do they feel insecure or have low self-esteem; or are they trying to hide the way they really feel inside?

2. Ignore them when they butt in or they answer others’ questions, or when they tell a story that’s designed to impress. Simply smile, nod your head, and then talk to someone else.

3. Tease them gently so they see that other people aren’t impressed – and that everyone has views that it is worth listening to.

4. If you’re friends, try and tell them how they sometimes come across. But do it when you’re on your own, and don’t be unkind or harsh. Remember – your goal is to help, and not humiliate, your friend.

5. If nothing seems to work, then try to stay away from them. This friendship is doomed and unlikely to last.

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Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

1. Go through – don’t hide from - the experience. You need to fully experience all the negative emotions before the healing process can begin.

2. Allow yourself to wallow in your independence. Don’t rush into a new relationship. You don’t need another person to make you feel complete. You’re enough in yourself. You are NOT inadequate.

3. Make a list of your strengths. It’s important that you focus on your good qualities as a broken heart can cause our self-esteem to plummet. Make a note of your successes and accomplishments. They didn’t disappear with the relationship!

4. Don’t try to suppress all the memories you have. Allow yourself some time to go over one or two … But don’t pitch your tent there - as the future’s now your focus.

5. Reach out to others who are suffering. You’re not the only person who is having a hard time (although you often feel you are when you’re broken-hearted) … and comforting another will distract you from your pain.  

6. Allow yourself to laugh, and allow yourself to cry. Both of these are healing, and can bring release. They can help us feel more “normal”, and can bring a sense of peace.

7. Make a “good and bad list”. Make a list of all the things that you need to stop doing, to try and put some distance between you and them. For example, if you’re always checking their stuff on facebook then you’ll likely find it is harder to get them out mind. Alternatively, going out for a jog or meeting up with a friend can help to lift your spirits, and to change the way you feel.

8. Hang onto your hope. When a relationship ends (or if our love is unrequited) we can feel that life is pointless as there’s nothing good ahead. But the future is still open – and there’s definitely hope … And one day you will notice that you’re smiling naturally.            

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What makes a good friend?

A good friend is:

1.    Trustworthy and loyal

2.    Honest and reliable

3.    Kind and caring (treats you well)

4.    Non-judgmental and accepting

5.    Helpful and supportive

6.    Sensitive and understanding

7.    Interested in you, and what matters to you (That is, not selfish and self-centered)

8.    A good listener

9.    Someone who share most of your values and some of your main interests

10. Someone who has a good sense of humour and can laugh along with you.

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Avoidant Personality Disorder

Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a recognised disorder which is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self loathing and a strong desire to isolate themselves. Sufferers believe that they lack social skills, and feel they don’t know or understand “the rules”. Hence, they tend to avoid social situations to avoid the pain of rejection by others.

People in a close relationship with them often feel frustrated by the person’s tendency to pull away from them and avoid other people. They also find it hard to lead an active social life as the sufferer refuses to go to events such as family gathering, work parties and so on. Also, they may feel pressurised to cut themselves off, too, and live in a bubble with the AVPD person. This can be a source of stress for the person and the extended family.

Although people with AVPD will generally display a number of the traits outlined below, each person is unique and different. (Also, most of us display avoidant traits at times but that doesn’t mean we have AVPD).

Symptoms and traits include the following:“always” & “never” statements; blaming; catastrophizing (automatically assuming a “worst case scenario”); circular conversations (endless arguments which repeat the same patterns); “control-me” syndrome (a tendency to form relationships with people who are controlling, narcissistic or antisocial); dependency; depression; emotional blackmail; false accusations; fear of abandonment; hypervigilance;  identity disturbance ( a distorted view of oneself); impulsivity; lack of object constancy (the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent and reliable over time – regardless of whether you can see them or not); low self-esteem; mood swings;  objectification (treating a person like an object); panic attacks; passive aggressive behaviour; projection (attributing one’s own feelings or traits onto another); self-hatred; “playing the victim” and thought policing (trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours.)

Specifically, the DSM-IV-TR, defines Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) as being:

A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.

3. Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.

4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.

5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

A formal diagnosis must be made by a mental health professional.

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8 Benefits of Smiling

1. It makes us seem trustworthy: We generally interpret a genuine smile to mean that this is someone who is honest and trustworthy. Those who smile are rated higher in generosity, in extraversion and in friendliness

2. If you smile when you get caught you’re more likely to get off: Somehow we think that those who smile are really nicer people so we tend to be willing to treat them leniently.

3. It eases embarrassment: If you do something stupid like slip on a banana, or trip and fall in the middle of a mall, people laugh with (not at) you if you laugh or smile. That is, it changes their reaction so they’re less likely to mock. 

4. If you smile with others when they share good news, you’re less likely to feel jealous or annoyed at them: Interestingly, even if we smile politely but we feel slightly annoyed, our emotion quickly changes and we feel happy ourselves. Somehow we feel much better for having chosen to be “nice”.

5. It can ease any feelings of distress or pain: Smiling stops us spiralling into negativity and eases our feelings of shock and distress - if we force ourselves to smile when something bad happens to us.

6. It can help with problem-solving: When we’re stressed or nervous our focus seems to narrow and it makes it harder to find answers or solutions. But when we smile, the tension eases and we think of more ideas.

7. It can increase your ability to make money: Those who smile at their colleagues and their customers are usually more successful and are frequently promoted.

8. Smile and the world smiles with you: If you smile at other people, they will often smile at you, and they’ll tend to see you in a positive way!

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