Posts tagged relationship

The following questions will help you determine if you’re the type of person who becomes a victim.

1.    Do you tend to stay quiet in relationships instead of confidently asking for what you want?

2.    Do you feel inadequate on your own, and only feel worthwhile if you are part of a couple?

3.    Has a girlfriend or boyfriend, at some point in the past, been able to isolate you from your friends?

4.    Are you too much of a people pleaser?

5.    Do you desperately want and need to be loved?

6.    Do you bury and suppress your anger and resentment?

7.    Do you find it hard to say NO to others, and to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

8.    Would you describe yourself as being over-responsible?

9.    Do you struggle with feelings of false guilt and shame?

10. Do you desperately want to be noticed and affirmed?

11. Do you lose your unique self if in your relationships with others?

12. Do you find hard to disagree with others?

13. Are you the kind of person who takes care of others but doesn’t really take care of themselves?

14.  Do you give more than the other person in close relationships?

15. Are you always saying “sorry”; do you tend to assume that everything “bad” is your fault?

16. Are you a bit on the gullible side; are you easily taken in by others?

17. Do you allow other people to squash your spirit, and suffocate your creativity?

18. Do you tend to ignore that nagging inner voice and to blindly hope that everything will be OK?

19. In relationship, do you pretend that any problems “are no big deal” as you’d rather avoid them, than address them properly?

20. Do you tend to forgive too easily?

1. Know when it is a good time to be sorry. It’s appropriate to say something when someone has received bad news, or you’ve really made life difficult for someone else. However, a lot of the time an apology is not required. Learn to know the difference between the two occasions.

2.  Notice who you tend to apologize to. Are there certain people who undermine your confidence, or who leave you feeling as if you’re always wrong? In those situations, you’re allowing someone else to act as if they’re more important than you.

3. Try to notice when you’re starting to apologize. Habits are often hard to recognize. They’re usually automatic, and we’re only semi-conscious of patterns we fall into, and things we tend to say. For example, do you repeatedly find yourself saying sorry for someone else’s mistakes? Do you tend to just say sorry to stop an argument?

4. Try and look for the roots, or the need, you’re covering up. For example, perhaps an authority figure (parent, teacher, older sibling, coach) used to get angry if you didn’t “just shut up” or take the blame. Alternatively, you may feel you can’t really share the way you feel – so you just apologize and repress your true emotions.

5. Related to the above, consider how your drive to apologize to others is likely to affect you much further down the road. For example it is likely that you’re building up a heap of grievances, or you may pull back from get close to those you love.

6. Decide to establish and enforce your boundaries, and to say “no” to others – without also saying “sorry”!  

1. Learn to recognize when you are feeling stressed – This will help you to reduce your stress before it is expressed as destructive anger.

2. Work on developing your empathy – Trying to see things from another’s perspective often helps to dissipate intense emotions.

3. Decide to respond instead of react – Although the way we react often feels automatic, we can actually choose how we’ll think, feel and respond. This is empowering, and the road to freedom.

4. Change your self talk - Listen to the conversation in your head and learn to modify extreme, unbalanced thoughts. Look for exceptions to “you always” thinking, and reframe “you must” or “you should” demands.

5. Learn to be assertive – Honest and open communication about your wishes, needs and preferences can stop resentment building – so it doesn’t turn to anger.

6. Adjust your expectations – Often anger is triggered by a difference between our expectations and what we actually get. Thus, sometimes it is better to adjust our expectations so they’re more in line with reality.

7. Forgiving doesn’t also mean forgetting – Although it is healthy to sometimes let things go, that doesn’t mean we weren’t hurt, upset or offended. The difference is we’re choosing to move on with our lives, and we’re not being controlled by external events.

8. Remove yourself from the situation – Retreating temporarily or “taking time-out” provides some space to think about the “best thing to do”. Thus you maintain control of yourself and circumstances.

1. Recognise that these feelings are perfectly normal, and are something that we all have to face at times (even if that person is a really good friend.)

2. Look at what’s going on with your own self-esteem. Are you feeling worthless and inadequate? Do you feel as if you’ve nothing to offer to the world? Are you disappointed in your school results? Are you feeling lonely, left out or overlooked?

3. Make a list of the things that you feel positive about. That is, the traits and successes that you feel good about. For example, those could be some small things that still leave you feeling proud, or some nice things you have done, or your unique, creative style. Also, write down the compliments that others have paid you – especially those from people you respect, like or admire.

4. Turn the jealousy around, and use that person to inspire you to keep on growing in some positive ways. You are someone with potential – and you’re also someone special - so don’t be afraid to take some risks, and stretch yourself.

5. Finally, remember all the reasons why you’re friends with that person. Remember all the laughter and the good times you have shared. We are not in competition – everyone has their own journey. Enjoy being friends, and put the other stuff aside.