Posts tagged relationship
Posts tagged relationship
1. Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason.
2. Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there’s nothing you can do about it. You just need to find a way to deal with them.
3. Do not call out an impossible person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with them. Instead of reaching a place of reconciliation, he or she is likely become even more difficult.
4. Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people specialise in shifting the blame.
5. "Detach, disassociate and diffuse." Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference.
6. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of getting angry. Chances are that anything you do or say while angry will be used against you in the future. So, do what you can to stay cool and in control.
7. Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person. If possible, try and only deal with them in when others are around.
Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People (Abridged)
1. Work on becoming an exceptional listener. There’s nothing more attractive, and appealing, than someone who listens intently to you.
2. Keep reading, and seek to develop a wide range of interests. That makes it easier to talk to you, and to exchange ideas with you. You also come across as being a more interesting, balanced, and knowledgeable.
3. Work on developing your conversation skills. This is partly tied in with number 2. It’s about being able to make small talk and to share interesting bits of information with others. If you are shy, or you find this difficult, try to watch and learn from others who are strong in this area. Then, try copying and implementing some of the basic skills they use.
4. Don’t be afraid to have your own opinions. It’s good to know what you think about things as this provides a starting point for making conversation. (But be careful not to come across as rude, dominating, or to push your thoughts and views on other people!)
5. Get out and meet new people. This also helps develop our people skills as it forces us to interact with those who’re different from us. Doing that, will broaden and expand your horizons and make it easier to mix with lots of people.
6. Appreciate, enjoy and express your true self. You are special and unique – so discover who you are – and don’t try to copy, and be like, someone else.
7. Work on developing a positive and optimistic approach to life. There’s nothing worse than being with people who are critical, complaining, miserable and pessimistic. In contrast, a positive person lifts the mood of everyone. So smile, affirm others, and look for what is good.
8. Also, maintain a sense of humour, laugh often, and have fun. We all want someone who can brighten our way, and distract us from the hassles and problems of the day.
1. Try to understand why they’re acting that way. Do they feel insecure or have low self-esteem; or are they trying to hide the way they really feel inside?
2. Ignore them when they butt in or they answer others’ questions, or when they tell a story that’s designed to impress. Simply smile, nod your head, and then talk to someone else.
3. Tease them gently so they see that other people aren’t impressed – and that everyone has views that it is worth listening to.
4. If you’re friends, try and tell them how they sometimes come across. But do it when you’re on your own, and don’t be unkind or harsh. Remember – your goal is to help, and not humiliate, your friend.
5. If nothing seems to work, then try to stay away from them. This friendship is doomed and unlikely to last.
1. Go through – don’t hide from - the experience. You need to fully experience all the negative emotions before the healing process can begin.
2. Allow yourself to wallow in your independence. Don’t rush into a new relationship. You don’t need another person to make you feel complete. You’re enough in yourself. You are NOT inadequate.
3. Make a list of your strengths. It’s important that you focus on your good qualities as a broken heart can cause our self-esteem to plummet. Make a note of your successes and accomplishments. They didn’t disappear with the relationship!
4. Don’t try to suppress all the memories you have. Allow yourself some time to go over one or two … But don’t pitch your tent there - as the future’s now your focus.
5. Reach out to others who are suffering. You’re not the only person who is having a hard time (although you often feel you are when you’re broken-hearted) … and comforting another will distract you from your pain.
6. Allow yourself to laugh, and allow yourself to cry. Both of these are healing, and can bring release. They can help us feel more “normal”, and can bring a sense of peace.
7. Make a “good and bad list”. Make a list of all the things that you need to stop doing, to try and put some distance between you and them. For example, if you’re always checking their stuff on facebook then you’ll likely find it is harder to get them out mind. Alternatively, going out for a jog or meeting up with a friend can help to lift your spirits, and to change the way you feel.
8. Hang onto your hope. When a relationship ends (or if our love is unrequited) we can feel that life is pointless as there’s nothing good ahead. But the future is still open – and there’s definitely hope … And one day you will notice that you’re smiling naturally.
A good friend is:
1. Trustworthy and loyal
2. Honest and reliable
3. Kind and caring (treats you well)
4. Non-judgmental and accepting
5. Helpful and supportive
6. Sensitive and understanding
7. Interested in you, and what matters to you (That is, not selfish and self-centered)
8. A good listener
9. Someone who share most of your values and some of your main interests
10. Someone who has a good sense of humour and can laugh along with you.
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is a recognised disorder which is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self loathing and a strong desire to isolate themselves. Sufferers believe that they lack social skills, and feel they don’t know or understand “the rules”. Hence, they tend to avoid social situations to avoid the pain of rejection by others.
People in a close relationship with them often feel frustrated by the person’s tendency to pull away from them and avoid other people. They also find it hard to lead an active social life as the sufferer refuses to go to events such as family gathering, work parties and so on. Also, they may feel pressurised to cut themselves off, too, and live in a bubble with the AVPD person. This can be a source of stress for the person and the extended family.
Although people with AVPD will generally display a number of the traits outlined below, each person is unique and different. (Also, most of us display avoidant traits at times but that doesn’t mean we have AVPD).
Symptoms and traits include the following:“always” & “never” statements; blaming; catastrophizing (automatically assuming a “worst case scenario”); circular conversations (endless arguments which repeat the same patterns); “control-me” syndrome (a tendency to form relationships with people who are controlling, narcissistic or antisocial); dependency; depression; emotional blackmail; false accusations; fear of abandonment; hypervigilance; identity disturbance ( a distorted view of oneself); impulsivity; lack of object constancy (the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent and reliable over time – regardless of whether you can see them or not); low self-esteem; mood swings; objectification (treating a person like an object); panic attacks; passive aggressive behaviour; projection (attributing one’s own feelings or traits onto another); self-hatred; “playing the victim” and thought policing (trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours.)
A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:
1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.
3. Shows restraint initiating intimate relationships because of the fear of being ashamed, ridiculed, or rejected due to severe low self-worth.
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.
A formal diagnosis must be made by a mental health professional.
1. It makes us seem trustworthy: We generally interpret a genuine smile to mean that this is someone who is honest and trustworthy. Those who smile are rated higher in generosity, in extraversion and in friendliness
2. If you smile when you get caught you’re more likely to get off: Somehow we think that those who smile are really nicer people so we tend to be willing to treat them leniently.
3. It eases embarrassment: If you do something stupid like slip on a banana, or trip and fall in the middle of a mall, people laugh with (not at) you if you laugh or smile. That is, it changes their reaction so they’re less likely to mock.
4. If you smile with others when they share good news, you’re less likely to feel jealous or annoyed at them: Interestingly, even if we smile politely but we feel slightly annoyed, our emotion quickly changes and we feel happy ourselves. Somehow we feel much better for having chosen to be “nice”.
5. It can ease any feelings of distress or pain: Smiling stops us spiralling into negativity and eases our feelings of shock and distress - if we force ourselves to smile when something bad happens to us.
6. It can help with problem-solving: When we’re stressed or nervous our focus seems to narrow and it makes it harder to find answers or solutions. But when we smile, the tension eases and we think of more ideas.
7. It can increase your ability to make money: Those who smile at their colleagues and their customers are usually more successful and are frequently promoted.
8. Smile and the world smiles with you: If you smile at other people, they will often smile at you, and they’ll tend to see you in a positive way!
The following questions will help you determine if you’re the type of person who becomes a victim.
1. Do you tend to stay quiet in relationships instead of confidently asking for what you want?
2. Do you feel inadequate on your own, and only feel worthwhile if you are part of a couple?
3. Has a girlfriend or boyfriend, at some point in the past, been able to isolate you from your friends?
4. Are you too much of a people pleaser?
5. Do you desperately want and need to be loved?
6. Do you bury and suppress your anger and resentment?
7. Do you find it hard to say NO to others, and to set and maintain healthy boundaries?
8. Would you describe yourself as being over-responsible?
9. Do you struggle with feelings of false guilt and shame?
10. Do you desperately want to be noticed and affirmed?
11. Do you lose your unique self if in your relationships with others?
12. Do you find hard to disagree with others?
13. Are you the kind of person who takes care of others but doesn’t really take care of themselves?
14. Do you give more than the other person in close relationships?
15. Are you always saying “sorry”; do you tend to assume that everything “bad” is your fault?
16. Are you a bit on the gullible side; are you easily taken in by others?
17. Do you allow other people to squash your spirit, and suffocate your creativity?
18. Do you tend to ignore that nagging inner voice and to blindly hope that everything will be OK?
19. In relationship, do you pretend that any problems “are no big deal” as you’d rather avoid them, than address them properly?
20. Do you tend to forgive too easily?
1. Know when it is a good time to be sorry. It’s appropriate to say something when someone has received bad news, or you’ve really made life difficult for someone else. However, a lot of the time an apology is not required. Learn to know the difference between the two occasions.
2. Notice who you tend to apologize to. Are there certain people who undermine your confidence, or who leave you feeling as if you’re always wrong? In those situations, you’re allowing someone else to act as if they’re more important than you.
3. Try to notice when you’re starting to apologize. Habits are often hard to recognize. They’re usually automatic, and we’re only semi-conscious of patterns we fall into, and things we tend to say. For example, do you repeatedly find yourself saying sorry for someone else’s mistakes? Do you tend to just say sorry to stop an argument?
4. Try and look for the roots, or the need, you’re covering up. For example, perhaps an authority figure (parent, teacher, older sibling, coach) used to get angry if you didn’t “just shut up” or take the blame. Alternatively, you may feel you can’t really share the way you feel – so you just apologize and repress your true emotions.
5. Related to the above, consider how your drive to apologize to others is likely to affect you much further down the road. For example it is likely that you’re building up a heap of grievances, or you may pull back from get close to those you love.
6. Decide to establish and enforce your boundaries, and to say “no” to others – without also saying “sorry”!