Posts tagged love
Posts tagged love
The following comparisons highlight the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
Healthy: Being your own person.
Unhealthy: Feeling incomplete without the other person.
Healthy: Accepting responsibility for your own happiness.
Unhealthy: Relying on others (especially your partner) to make you happy.
Healthy: Being able to balance separateness and togetherness.
Unhealthy: Wanting either too much or too little togetherness.
Healthy: Having meaningful friendships outside the partnership.
Unhealthy: Being unable to build and maintain close friendships with others.
Healthy: Being able to see and focus on your own, and your partner’s, good points.
Unhealthy: Always focusing on your partner’s flaws and worst qualities.
Healthy: Achieving intimacy without the use of substances.
Unhealthy: Using substances to reduce your inhibitions and achieve a false sense of intimacy.
Healthy: Communicating in a way that is open and real.
Unhealthy: Playing games; being manipulative; not being willing to listen in a non-defensive way.
Healthy: Being loyal and committed to your partner.
Unhealthy: Displaying jealousy and relationship addiction; being uncommitted to your partner.
Healthy: Respecting and accepting the ways in which you and your partner are different.
Unhealthy: Blaming and criticising your partner for having different traits and qualities from you.
Healthy: Being open and asking for what you want, in a clear and unambiguous way.
Unhealthy: Being unable to ask for what you want.
Healthy: Accepting transitions and endings.
Unhealthy: Being unable to change, let go and move on.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your sadness and loss, it’s hard to believe that your life will ever change, or you’ll ever be able to smile or laugh again. But the truth is you will – it won’t always be this bad – and there are things you can do help move on with your life:
1. Decide to face your pain. An unresolved past never really goes away. You may think you have buried your anger and pain but the hurt is still there and it will surface later on. If you don’t face what happened, and the feelings it unleashed, you will end up being ruled by your subconscious mind. So try and find the courage to revisit all the pain.
2. Accept there’s nothing you can do to change the past. What’s happened has happened, and what’s done is done. There’s nothing you can do to turn back the hands of time, or to rewrite the story so the ending’s happier. But you can change how you think, and you can start over again, and build a different future that’s not poisoned by the past.
3. Be grateful for the good times. There’s usually something good that you can be thankful for. You don’t have to pretend that everything was bad – or write off any good times and happy memories.
4. Consciously let go and set your focus on the future - Don’t let the baggage, or the failures of the past, affect your identity or self esteem. You are NOT what you did, or how you acted previously. You’re not just a product of what happened to you. You are valuable, unique and you have so much to give. You’re the author of your future; you control your destiny.
5. Remove your past from your future. We all have a tendency to think that the past will morph into our future – and become our lot in life. But that doesn’t have to happen. The future’s a blank page. You can change your expectations – and work towards those goals. Instead, look hard for the exceptions – the times when things went right – and notice what you did that resulted in success. You still have those same strengths, skills and great qualities.
6. Be realistic and take small steps at first. You can’t snap your fingers - and find that life has changed. Accept it will take time, and you will still have some bad days – but if you keep on going then the past will lose its grip.
You’ve been in a lot of relationships before but never really felt that it was something that would last. But this time things are different … and you’re starting to think that maybe this person could be “the one” for you. So what are the signs that indicate that you’re in love?
1. You never think about your ex any more: When a relationship first ends, we often think about our ex, and wonder if we made the right decision to leave. These questions and old doubts will surface periodically …. But that changes forever when you truly fall in love.
2. You can’t get him or her out of you mind: Your thoughts are always turning to the new love of your life. You feel like you’re obsessed – and think about them ALL the time. You want to buy them gifts, you think about what they might like, and they’re the last thought in your mind when you go to sleep at night.
3. You genuinely care about him or her: This is not the way you feel about a one-night stand. You really want to know them - what they think and how they feel. You care about their feelings … and if they are upset, you want to make them happy and try and ease their pain.
4. You love their little quirks: You’re intrigued and fascinated by their cute little ways. It marks them out as different, and as special, in your mind.
5. The chemistry is there: It probably won’t last if there’s no chemistry. They have to turn your head, and make your heart skip a beat.
6. You rarely notice other women or men: You don’t tend to see, and you don’t want to flirt, with great looking people who walk into the room. They don’t seem to register on your radar screen - as your partner is the only one who holds your interest now.
7. You love every minute that you spend with him or her: You don’t really care what the two of you will do. As long as you’re together – that’s all you care about.
8. You’re happy to give in and to compromise at times: Usually you’re stuck on all always having things your way. But it’s different with them – you’ll change your plans to suit their plans!
9. You’re willing to shift your priorities for them: All those things you HAD to do – are not such high priorities. Forget the exercise, and the nights out with your friends. Accommodating THEM is now your new priority.
10. They are part of the future you imagine for yourself: You never used to plan much beyond the next few dates - but now you find you’re planning much further down the road … And you also find your partner is included in those plans!