Posts tagged loneliness
I realize, for the first time, how lonely I’ve been … and how comforting the presence of another human being can be.
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment.
Some people are uncomfortable with silences. Not me. I’ve never cared much for call and response. Sometimes I will think of something to say and then I ask myself; is it worth it? And it just isn’t.
But I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No.
I lay for a long time in silence, staring at the ceiling. Was my life always to be like this? I wondered. Was it going to go, forever, in an instant, from sunshine to shadow? From pandemonium to loneliness?
It’s easy to look at people and make quick judgments about them, their present and their past, but you’d be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. And more often then not, it’s lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.
I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.
5 Ways to Beat Loneliness
We all experience bouts of loneliness at times. It is common during times of flux and change (such as starting university or breaking up with someone). But it can also overwhelm us when we’re with a group of friends, so we feel disconnected … as if we don’t belong. So what can we do to keep loneliness at bay?
1. First, don’t isolate yourself – When you’re feeling lonely it is hard to go out and be with others who seem to be OK, and don’t really notice how lonely you feel. But putting up a wall and withdrawing from your friends will only intensify that sense of loneliness, and will further undermine your self-esteem.
2. Second, keep yourself busy – Do things that you normally enjoy with others. For example, listening to a band or maybe going to watch a game … or you could always try something that’s new, but interests you! That would allow you to connect in a non-threatening way … as it takes the focus off talking, and off you.
3. Third, be kind to yourself - It’s likely that you regularly beat yourself up, criticise yourself and are unrealistic in the kinds of expectations that you have for yourself. So what, if it goes wrong? You can always try again – just learn what you can from the experience. And notice your successes and the times when it goes well. It’s likely that this happens a lot more than you think!
4. Fourth, recognise that we ALL battle loneliness at times - You’re not some kind of freak – it’s actually quite normal. It something we’ve all known and understand.
5. Fifth, talk to someone you like and trust – It can really help to talk about your feelings with a family member, a friend or counsellor. It relieves some of the painful sense of isolation – and help to get your life back in perspective again.
When you feel discouraged …
1. Try and figure out the reasons behind it. Make a list – and then highlight the main factors.
2. Go through your list, item by item. Try and dig more deeply for the underlying reasons. Is it because you are afraid of being seen as a failure? Is it an area that’s important to key people – so you feel they will judge your value by that? Are you afraid of disappointing and letting yourself down, or disappointing someone else who matters to you?
3. Try and gain a broader, and more balanced, perspective. This is only tiny aspect of your life. There’s so much more to you, and your personality.
4. Think about your physical and mental health. Are you totally exhausted, run down or burnt out? Are you lacking sleep, or emotionally drained?
5. Is there someone you can talk to, who believes in you, and will help to build you up, and can see your gifts and strengths? We all need friends who can see beyond the chaos – and remind of our worth, and how valuable we are.
6. Reassess your plan, and maybe think about some changes. Do you need to change your goals, or re-set your expectations. As things change in life we have to make some adaptations. That may be all that’s needed for things to turn around.
7. See how you are feeling as being temporary. There’s still hope for the future! In time, things will work out.
Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.
Autophobia, Social Anxiety, Social Isolation and Schizoid Personality Disorder
1. Autophobia is the dread of being alone, or isolated from others. It often surfaces when a person feels they are being ignored, or are unloved. It is sometimes associated with self-hatred. It can also be tied into a terror of being alone in a scary situation (such as being alone at home with intruders.)
2. Social anxiety is intense discomfort related to being around other people, and fearing negative judgement or evaluation. It is characterized by an intense fear of social embarrassment, negative criticism, shame, humiliation or being rejected. These lead to feelings of insecurity, and the powerful belief that the individual is basically inadequate.
3. Social isolation is an almost complete absence of contact with other human beings. Sometimes it’s imposed – although it may be chosen – and the impact on the person is usually negative. It can lead to feelings of loneliness, fear of being with others, or low self esteem. Over time, it can produce severe psychological damage.
4. Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) is a personality disorder that must be diagnosed by a medical doctor or psychiatrist. It is characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment, a lack of concern for the emotional needs of others and apathy. Many people with this diagnosis simultaneously demonstrate a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world.
Being alone never felt right. Sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.
If we could look into each other’s hearts, and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we woukd treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.
