Posts tagged inspiration

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1. Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.

2. Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3. Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by old, painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4. Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those old memories return.

5. Seek to be a person who’s at peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6. When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7. Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an ease process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle - as one day you’ll be free.

1. It makes us seem trustworthy: We generally interpret a genuine smile to mean that this is someone who is honest and trustworthy. Those who smile are rated higher in generosity, in extraversion and in friendliness

2. If you smile when you get caught you’re more likely to get off: Somehow we think that those who smile are really nicer people so we tend to be willing to treat them leniently.

3. It eases embarrassment: If you do something stupid like slip on a banana, or trip and fall in the middle of a mall, people laugh with (not at) you if you laugh or smile. That is, it changes their reaction so they’re less likely to mock. 

4. If you smile with others when they share good news, you’re less likely to feel jealous or annoyed at them: Interestingly, even if we smile politely but we feel slightly annoyed, our emotion quickly changes and we feel happy ourselves. Somehow we feel much better for having chosen to be “nice”.

5. It can ease any feelings of distress or pain: Smiling stops us spiralling into negativity and eases our feelings of shock and distress - if we force ourselves to smile when something bad happens to us.

6. It can help with problem-solving: When we’re stressed or nervous our focus seems to narrow and it makes it harder to find answers or solutions. But when we smile, the tension eases and we think of more ideas.

7. It can increase your ability to make money: Those who smile at their colleagues and their customers are usually more successful and are frequently promoted.

8. Smile and the world smiles with you: If you smile at other people, they will often smile at you, and they’ll tend to see you in a positive way!

1. Stop fantasising:  Those with too rosy a picture of the future tend to put less effort into reaching their goals. Instead, it’s better to be open to some things going wrong. It will help you see the obstacles - and think through beating them.

2. Visualise process NOT outcome: If you can think through all the steps you will forge a better plan … and it will also help reduce anxiety.

3. Be committed: You won’t achieve anything without getting started; and you won’t ever finish if you give up easily.

4. Beware of the “what-the-hell effect”: Too many just give up when they stumble or fall down. For example, think of all the dieters who binge at the first hurdle. It’s better to get up – and see a trip as very normal. It’s happens to us all – so don’t abandon your plan.

5. Attack procrastination: It’s easy to procrastinate when getting going’s tough. Make a start, keep your head down, and set yourself some deadlines. Once you start you’ll feel much better and the road won’t seem so hard.

6. Switch out of robot mode: A lot of behaviour is robotic and habitual. We copy other people or we do “the same old, same old”. Take stock … and change those patterns … if they don’t lead to your goals.

7. Know when enough is enough: Sometimes we also need to know when there’s no point going on. We’re flogging a dead horse and thing are never going to change. It’s time to alter your direction or to work on something else.

Do you always give in, or let other people choose, or hide what you think, or never ask to have your way? Perhaps you fear disapproval or disappointing others, and the last thing you want is to make somebody mad. If this profile describes you then you may be a people pleaser … and maybe it is time to stand up for yourself. Below are some tips that can help you with this:

1. Think of five occasions when you’ve said or done something that didn’t really match up with your own wants and needs – but you ignored those in order to please somebody else. Now, take the time to think through what else you could have done to get what you wanted, instead of caving in. Ask yourself “What is the worst thing that could possibly have happened? What were my worst fears, and were they realistic fears?”

2. Examine your fears in a balanced way. Would it really be so awful if a friend got annoyed? Do you need that type of person? What if they walk away? There are lots of other people who won’t demand compliance but will accept and respect you for who, and what, you are.  

3. Look at your ability to set boundaries. Ask yourself, “What requests and behaviours are unacceptable to me?” Can you separate what’s normal from what’s unreasonable? Do you know what it feels like to be treated with respect? Are you able to say “no” and enforce good boundaries?

4. Look at your background and your family life. A lot of people pleasers were raised in families that expected full compliance – so their needs were not considered. Instead, they were expected to join in, to keep their feelings to themselves, to do what others wanted, and not ask for anything.

5. Don’t look to others for your self-esteem. It is good to be kind and to think of other people – but you must do that out of choice not a need for approval. And if you let other people determine your self-worth then you’ll never be free to a unique individual.

6. Learn to say “no” without explaining yourself. Don’t think of explanations, or justify yourself, or explain your different reasons, or ask to be excused. You’ll be surprised to discover people rarely take offense - and the people who do are not the ones you want to please!

7. Start to ask for what you want. Start to share your opinions, desires and ideas. Begin to make some requests, and to disagree with others. We’re all individuals with different preferences and healthy relationships are based on give and take.

1. Get up early on school days. Allow yourself plenty of time to get ready in the morning (and don’t switch off your alarm clock).

2. Prepare your clothes and school supplies the night before.

3. Prepare a “to do list” for each day. Do this in the evening, before you go to bed.

4. Have a designated study area (that doesn’t include in front of the TV). Keep this free of clutter, with essential supplies close at hand.

5. Don’t overload your schedule with extracurricular activities. Allow yourself some time just to chill and do nothing.

6. Use a calendar to keep on top of homework and tests. Some people find using colour coding helps.

7.  Have regular, and consistent, study times.