COUNSELLING BLOG

Posts tagged heartache

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How to get over hurt and pain

1. Acknowledge that you feel as awful as you do (as it’s crucial that we validate our negative emotions.)
2. Identify the source (which may not be obvious).
3. Practice self compassion, and be gentle with yourself.
4. Identify the thoughts that are making the pain worse (like “I’ll never get over this”; or “I’m totally worthless.”)
4. Work on challenging your thinking so it’s more accurate.
5. Work on coming to terms with your new reality (for example, if you’ve failed an exam or a relationship has ended).
6. Try to find something meaningful (perhaps a lesson you can learn).
7. Remember that tomorrow is a brand new day.

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Tips for Healing a Broken Heart

1. Go through – don’t hide from - the experience. You need to fully experience all the negative emotions before the healing process can begin.

2. Allow yourself to wallow in your independence. Don’t rush into a new relationship. You don’t need another person to make you feel complete. You’re enough in yourself. You are NOT inadequate.

3. Make a list of your strengths. It’s important that you focus on your good qualities as a broken heart can cause our self-esteem to plummet. Make a note of your successes and accomplishments. They didn’t disappear with the relationship!

4. Don’t try to suppress all the memories you have. Allow yourself some time to go over one or two … But don’t pitch your tent there - as the future’s now your focus.

5. Reach out to others who are suffering. You’re not the only person who is having a hard time (although you often feel you are when you’re broken-hearted) … and comforting another will distract you from your pain.  

6. Allow yourself to laugh, and allow yourself to cry. Both of these are healing, and can bring release. They can help us feel more “normal”, and can bring a sense of peace.

7. Make a “good and bad list”. Make a list of all the things that you need to stop doing, to try and put some distance between you and them. For example, if you’re always checking their stuff on facebook then you’ll likely find it is harder to get them out mind. Alternatively, going out for a jog or meeting up with a friend can help to lift your spirits, and to change the way you feel.

8. Hang onto your hope. When a relationship ends (or if our love is unrequited) we can feel that life is pointless as there’s nothing good ahead. But the future is still open – and there’s definitely hope … And one day you will notice that you’re smiling naturally.            

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How to Deal with Hurt and Pain

1. Try and put into words exactly how you’re feeling. Is it the pain of rejection? Is it an overwhelming feeling of shame and self-loathing? Is it a sense of disbelief that you’ve been treated so cruelly by others? Is it a sense of utter desperation?

2. Try and find a way of expressing the pain. Sometimes we can tell the person who has hurt us– but often we feel that they won’t be responsive. If that is the case, find someone you can open up to.  It’s really important that you have the chance to honestly express what you’re going through. If you feel there’s no-one you can talk to right now, then perhaps try journaling, or using some kind of art, like music or painting.

3. If the pain’s related to something that happened, admit that you can’t go back and change the past. You need to let it go and keep your eyes ahead. You are not defined by what happened to you, and you have what it takes to live a rich, rewarding life.

4. Related to this, forgive yourself and don’t hold on to regrets. Learn what you can – and then choose to move ahead. Don’t be a victim of your past, or other people.

5. Reconnect with the person that you were previously. Think of who you might have been if this had never happened. You can still be that person: they are still a part of you.

6. Focus on the things that bring you joy and happiness, and focus on those people who love care for you.

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So often we try to make other people feel better by minimizing their pain, by telling them that it will get better (which it will) or that there are worse things in the world (which there are). But that’s not what I actually needed. What I actually needed was for someone to tell me that it hurt because it mattered.
I have found this very useful to think about over the years, and I find that it is a lot easier and more bearable to be sad when you aren’t constantly berating yourself for being sad.
John Green

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The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their name pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless.
Sarah Zarr

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How to Recover from a Broken Heart

There are few things worse than a broken heart. You desperately want to be free of the pain, and to pick up the pieces and get on with life again. The following tips are designed to help with this.

1. Remember that healing is a long slow process - Breaking up is painful and unleashes strong emotions - anger, hurt, confusion, sadness, loss and emptiness … You may also find you suffer from insomnia, have dreams about your ex and lose all interest in life.  If you can hang on in this tough time, and accept the pain it brings, you will find that it will speed up your recovery. So allow yourself to grieve – and don’t expect too much at first – but know that these emotions will pass in time.

2. Accept some relationships are not meant to last – It’s a fact of life that we all want different things, and we’re not always suited to the person we’re dating. It’s not that you’re a failure or an awful person. It’s actually quite normal – even though it feels so sad.

3. Reflect on what you’ve learnt from the relationship – We learn about ourselves and our personality … what we like and don’t like … what we won’t tolerate … and what really matters in relationships. Take the time to process this important information so you grow through your experience … and become more self-aware.

4. Rediscover who you are as a person in your own right – Too often we lose the sense of who we really are when we’re part of a couple, or a close relationship. But once we’re on our own again, we rediscover who we are – and remember all the dreams and the wishes we once had. 

5. Use this time to invest in your interests and passions - Once you start to remember all the things you once enjoyed, and what makes you happy and makes you feel fulfilled, you can start to formulate and work towards new goals. For though it’s good to be in relationships, there’s so much more to us, and so much more to life, than being with one person, and doing things with them

After walking through these steps you will find that you are stronger, and you’ll start to rediscover your true value and worth … and you’ll know that you’ll survive this … and will enjoy life again.

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Tips for coping with Emotional Pain

Accept that pain is a normal part of life …

A relationship break up, the death of your pet, failing an exam, being hurt by a friend.  It means that you are human and not a machine – but how do you cope with the hurt and the pain?

1. Endure it. There are some things in life which you can’t just wish away. You have to be patient and allow yourself to heal. For example, if you break your arm you have to wear it in a cast; and if your heart is broken, you have to let it heal. You have to ride the roller coaster till your feelings stabilise.

2. Talk to someone. It’s natural to conclude that no-one understands and to want to repress, or to try and hide, the pain. But you need the compassion of those who truly care. Take the offer of help and get support from your friends.

3. Don’t allow other people to trivialise your feelings. Your feelings are real and should be treated with respect. And accepting how you feel will enable you to grieve, and to start to recover and to be yourself again.

4. Don’t allow yourself to fixate on your negative emotions. It is healthy to acknowledge how terrible you feel. But don’t allow the pity party to drag on for too long. Force yourself to go out, and to spend time with your friends. Get involved in other things, and maybe try out something new.

5. Don’t allow your pain define you. It may have been a trauma, and a terrible thing – but don’t let what happened determine what you’ll do, or who you will become, or how good your life will be. You win in life by choosing your own destiny.

6. Don’t play the blame game. Regardless of what happened, don’t indulge in blaming others – for that’s not going to help you to move on with your life. See it as a chance to learn, and gain some life experience. You have grown as a person and have better coping skills. Thus, it can serve to make you stronger, and wiser, in the end.

7. Put together a ‘Thankfulness List’. Make a list of all the things that you are thankful for today. It will speed up your recovery and change the way you feel.

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