COUNSELLING BLOG

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How to Talk About Painful Feelings of Rejection

1. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust, and someone who accepts you unconditionally.

2. Make a list of all your positive traits. Include all the good things that you see in yourself, and everything that others have mentioned in the past. Make sure the list is detailed and very, very long!

3. Recognise that rejection says nothing about you. It is one specific person or one relationship. Don’t allow that to define you as a total individual. There’s so more to you than that one aspect of your life.

4. Do something you enjoy. Take your mind off feeling lonely, or feeling like a failure, by choosing to do something that you usually enjoy (Listening to music, going to the movies, calling up a friend, reading a book etc).

5.Treat yourself to something special like a new pair of jeans. There’s nothing wrong with seeking out a temporary boost. It can get you past this moment – so you can find the strength you need to recover all the pieces - and then build your life again.

6. Do something physical like going for a run. It’s a great way to channel all that energy. Also, exercise is known to be a natural mood enhancer.

7. Remember, not everyone will think you’re fabulous. That just part of being human … we’re different from each other. Accept and value your own uniqueness, your qualities, your strengths and your personality.

8. Remember that “this too will pass”. All of us encounter various bumps along the way. It feels bad in the moment – but in time our feelings change.

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Isn’t it funny how the memories you cherish before a break up can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle - it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day, and throw away the key.
Ally Condie

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Qualities of an Attractive Personality

Someone with an attractive personality:

1. Is warm and friendly towards others.

2. Is open and real

3. Knows their own strengths and weaknesses - and neither boasts nor puts themselves down.

4. Looks for the good in every situation, and is generally positive and optimistic.

5. Doesn’t gossip or pass on others’ secrets

6. Doesn’t gloat when things go wrong for others.

7. Is secure and has a healthy self–esteem; is not self-centred and narcissistic.

8. Is not highly critical or argumentative.

9. Is not possessive and jealous in relationships.

10. Makes time for the people they care about.

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How to Trust Again

1. Recognize the benefits of trusting others, and building some meaningful relationships. If you never let others get close to you, then you’re likely to feel lonely and empty inside.

2. Remember that one person doesn’t have to meet your needs. We can trust different people with aspects of ourselves. Doing that can feel less risky, and a lot less scary.

3. Look at the actions of other people before you decide if you can trust them or not. If they are kind to others and they seem reliable, then it’s likely they will treat you in that same way, too. However, be wary of people who are mean or critical, or who talk about others, or are unpredictable.

4. Give trust slowly – let others prove themselves – and if they seem trustworthy then start to trust them more. Share a few small things before you share some bigger things.

5. Trust yourself to cope if someone lets you down. We’ve all been disappointed and betrayed by other people. Have the confidence to know that you will manage, and survive!!

6. Don’t pressurise yourself to give more than you are able. It is hard to trust others if you’re feeling insecure, or if you’ve been hurt by others, or if trust is threatening. Decide to take it slowly and be patient with yourself.

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Counselling a Friend

You should never counsel your family or friends as you can’t be objective in a close relationship. However, you can offer support and be there for them when they need to unload and are looking for a friend. So what are some tips that can help you with this?
1) Encourage them to talk; ask them what’s on their mind - If you think your friend’s depressed or is bottling something up don’t pretend you haven’t noticed … ask if something’s bothering them. And unless you get the sense that they don’t want to talk, be persistent and keep asking in a gentle, caring way. This will send the clear message that you genuinely care.
2) Give your full attention and listen carefully – If your friend is brave enough to share what’s really bothering them, then give them the respect of listening carefully – without interrupting or offering them advice. Pay close attention and focus, and try to understand their perspective on their problems, and how that makes them feel. The only time you should speak is to clarify a point, or to ask open questions that will help them unload more. Also, encourage them to talk through your use of body language – such as nodding while they’re talking and sitting very still. Never fidget, look around or get distracted while they’re speaking – as that sends the message that you’re losing interest fast.
3) Unless specifically requested, don’t offer them advice - Once you’ve got the gist of what’s happening with your friend, resist the instinct to give them some advice. This is often very hard as we usually want to help … but most people resent this – they just want to be heard. Instead, the best way forward is to keep on asking questions to help them find solutions to their problems for themselves.
4) Remember it’s all about them; it’s not about you – Most people want to somehow turn the conversation round to talking about them, and their own experiences. This is so annoying; it’s the worst thing you could do. You are meant to be focused on your friend’s experiences!  
5) Be sensitive, respectful and non judgmental – Don’t react or seem shocked when they tell you something awful (like saying “OMG – I can’t believe you did that!”). And be tactful if you feel you must share something tough - as you honestly believe it would help to hear the truth. You don’t have to destroy them in your efforts to get real.

6) Nothing changes if we don’t do anything – Although it’s often helpful to unburden yourself if you just dump on others then nothing much will change. Thus, it’s important you encourage them to take some active steps – so ask them what they’ll do to try to start to turn their life around. Don’t only act as a crutch or a short term dumping ground.

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Socializing is as exhausting as giving blood. People assume we loners are misanthropes, just sitting thinking, ‘Oh, people are such a bunch of assholes,’ but it’s really not like that. We just have a smaller tolerance for what it takes to be with others. It means having to perform. I get so tired of communicating.
Anneli Rufus

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