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Posts tagged communication skills

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Some Keys to Successful Relationships

We all want our close relationships to work – and it’s not just a matter of chance or luck. The 6 steps below are designed to assist you in creating successful relationships:

1. Make quality time a priority. You need to carve out some time just for you – without other friends or people around. It’s a time to exclusively focus on each other, and remember the things you both love and enjoy.

2. You both need to feel secure and comfortable. You need to be able to be open and real about the things you enjoy - and the things that bother you. You also need to be able to compromise at times, and to give for the sake of the relationship.

3. Learn how to balance independence and dependence. Remember to share how much you need each other and the ways the other person enriches your life. At the same, don’t be clingy or expect your partner to meet all your needs, or simply be a clone of you. That is, we all need to be free to be our unique selves, and to have other interests and friends as well.

4. Be attentive, listen well, and show an interest in your partner – and the kinds of things that interest him or her. Also, respect their need for silence and some time on their own. This demonstrates respect and true concern for them.  

5. Be affirming and warm. Make a conscious effort to make your partner smile, and to send the message that you think that they are great. For at times we all feel bad about some aspect of ourselves - and it can really make a difference if our partner’s on our side.

6. Learn to love (or tolerate!) their little quirks. Those cute little quirks that seemed appealing at first can annoy your later on, and be a source of contention. But all of us have irritating traits and habits, so learn to ignore them as they’re really not important! 

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8 Tools for Managing Your Anger

1. Learn to recognize when you are feeling stressed – This will help you to reduce your stress before it is expressed as destructive anger.

2. Work on developing your empathy – Trying to see things from another’s perspective often helps to dissipate intense emotions.

3. Decide to respond instead of react – Although the way we react often feels automatic, we can actually choose how we’ll think, feel and respond. This is empowering, and the road to freedom.

4. Change your self talk - Listen to the conversation in your head and learn to modify extreme, unbalanced thoughts. Look for exceptions to “you always” thinking, and reframe “you must” or “you should” demands.

5. Learn to be assertive – Honest and open communication about your wishes, needs and preferences can stop resentment building – so it doesn’t turn to anger.

6. Adjust your expectations – Often anger is triggered by a difference between our expectations and what we actually get. Thus, sometimes it is better to adjust our expectations so they’re more in line with reality.

7. Forgiving doesn’t also mean forgetting – Although it is healthy to sometimes let things go, that doesn’t mean we weren’t hurt, upset or offended. The difference is we’re choosing to move on with our lives, and we’re not being controlled by external events.

8. Remove yourself from the situation – Retreating temporarily or “taking time-out” provides some space to think about the “best thing to do”. Thus you maintain control of yourself and circumstances.

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How to Give Great Compliments

1. To be accepted as being genuine, the compliment must sound sincere. Don’t offer a compliment if you don’t actually mean it. Your tone of voice or body language will give you away.

2. Everyone has something worthwhile that you can comment on. Often it’s just a case of getting into the habit of noticing what is special, or a strength, in that individual. Make it your practice to consciously look for things to compliment.

3. Be specific. For example, say something like “You look great in that shirt. It really is your colour.” That shows that you’ve noticed something about the person themselves, and are not just trying to be friendly or nice.

4. Add a question after paying a compliment. For example, after commenting on the person’s shirt you could say “Is it new?” or “Did you buy it to match those pants – they look great together?”

5. Don’t use comparisons when you are giving compliments. For example, don’t say something like “You did so much better than Keira and Sam. Let the compliment stand in its own right. That way, it’s actually more powerful.

6. Compliment areas that are important to the person. Those are more personal and more meaningful to them.    

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Want to Improve your Communication Skills?

1. Listen carefully when others are speaking. Keep your mouth shut – and focus totally on them.

2. Never, ever talk over other people. This is disrespectful – and a real turn off.

3. Even if the person leaves an hour between each word, resist the temptation to complete their sentence for them.

4. Don’t interrupt - let the other person finish. Then, acknowledge what they’ve shared before adding your own thoughts.

5. Paraphrase or summarise what’s just been shared. It shows that you have listened – and are keen to understand.

6. Maintain good eye contact as this says you’re interested, and the speaker and their story are important to you.

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How to be social when you don’t feel like it

1. Give your energy level a boost. It’s hard to be friendly, and to focus on others, if you’re feeling really tired and would rather be in bed. To keep going, grab some coffee or a bite to eat, or go outside for a few minutes, and get some cool, fresh air.

2. Have some tactics at the ready if you don’t know the people – or if you have to be with people you would rather avoid. For example, if you don’t like the people, ask a friend to go with you … and have a great excuse for leaving once you’ve done the minimum.   

3. Plan ahead to avoid conflict. Aim to stay in control of your reactions and emotions – and resist the pressure to take part in arguments.

4. Control your contribution. If you’re quiet and introverted then value you who you are. Don’t expect yourself to be a party animal. Show respect for yourself by taking time out if you need to, and only talk to people that you want to be around.

5. See it as a chance to practices a few social skills. Take the pressure off yourself by practising your social skills. For example, ask a few open questions, and keep the focus on the speaker. Try and come across as friendly through your use of body language – like making good eye contact and smiling while you talk.

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How to Create a Positive Impression

1. Smile: People who smile are viewed as being warmer and friendlier individuals.

2. Be easy to impress, or to make laugh and smile:  Others also worry about how people see them. If they think that they’re succeeding, then they’ll like you even more.

3. Show interest and liking through your use of body language: Face the person, look them in the eye when you’re talking, and show you are friendly through your open body stance (uncrossed arms and legs etc.)

4. Remember the power of transfer traits: Basically, that means that if you say nice things about other people, they assume you’ll say nice things about them, too … Or if you criticise others, then you’ll criticise them, too.

5. Poke fun at yourself: It makes you seem more human and approachable.

6. Remember the power of emotional contagion: That means that others tend to pick up the emotions we project. So, if you seem laid back, warm, happy and relaxed then those you are with will start to feel the same way, too.

7. Remember the name and few basic facts about the person you are talking to: Such as their job, college major, favourite hobby, favourite food, places they have been to or awards they have received.

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Helpful Tips for Handling Criticism

1. Try and understand the other person’s perspective. They may just be feeling down, or be having a bad day, or there may be some truth in what they have to say. Don’t write them off, and dismiss them right away - but listen and process what they have to say.

2. Don’t jump to being defensive. Try and learn what you can. But also weigh what they are saying – as they could have got it wrong!

3. Don’t accept criticism from those you don’t respect. They’re view’s not trustworthy – don’t take them seriously.

4. Work on delaying your immediate reaction. Don’t respond right away – work on feeling more detached. That will lessen the emotion so your mind stays in control!

5. Where appropriate … admit that you were wrong as we all make mistakes. It makes you seem more secure as well as more self-confident. Also, it removes the emotions and will calm the person down.

6. Be proud of yourself if you’ve taken a risk. Even if it went badly, it is good that you have tried!   

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The Top 10 Communication Skills

The following top ten tips for nonverbal communication can help you learn to read the nonverbal signals of other people and enhance your own ability to communicate effectively.

1. Pay Attention to Nonverbal Signals

People can communicate information in numerous ways; so pay attention to things like eye contact, gestures, posture, body movements, and tone of voice. All of these signals can convey important information that isn’t put into words. By paying closer attention to other people’s unspoken behaviors, you will improve your own ability to communicate nonverbally.

2. Look for Incongruent Behaviors

If someone’s words do not match their nonverbal behaviors, you should pay careful attention. For example, someone might tell you they are happy while frowning and staring at the ground. Research has shown that when words fail to match up with nonverbal signals, people tend to ignore what has been said and focus instead on unspoken expressions of moods, thoughts, and emotions.

3. Concentrate on Your Tone of Voice When Speaking

Your tone of voice can convey a wealth of information, ranging from enthusiasm to disinterest to anger. Start noticing how your tone of voice affects how others respond to you and try using tone of voice to emphasize ideas that you want to communicate. For example, if you want to show genuine interest in something, express your enthusiasm by using an animated tone of voice.

4. Use Good Eye Contact

When people fail to look others in the eye, it can seem as if they are evading or trying to hide something. On the other hand, too much eye contact can seem confrontational or intimidating. While eye contact is an important part of communication, it’s important to remember that good eye contact does not mean staring fixedly into someone’s eyes. How can you tell how much eye contact is correct? Some communication experts recommend intervals of eye contact lasting four to five seconds.

5. Ask Questions About Nonverbal Signals

If you are confused about another person’s nonverbal signals, don’t be afraid to ask questions. A good idea is to repeat back your interpretation of what has been said and ask for clarification. An example of this might be, “So what you are saying is that…”

6. Use Signals to Make Communication More Effective and Meaningful

Remember that verbal and nonverbal communication work together to convey a message. You can improve your spoken communication by using body language that reinforces and supports what you are saying. This can be especially useful when making presentations or when speaking to a large group of people.

7. Look at Signals as a Group

A single gesture can mean any number of things, or maybe even nothing at all. The key to accurately reading nonverbal behavior is to look for groups of signals that reinforce a common point. If you place too much emphasis on just one signal out of many, you might come to an inaccurate conclusion about what a person is trying to communicate.

8. Consider Context

When you are communicating with others, always consider the situation and the context in which the communication occurs. Some situations require more formal behaviors that might be interpreted very differently in any other setting. Consider whether or not nonverbal behaviors are appropriate for the context. If you are trying to improve your own nonverbal communication, concentrate on ways to make your signals match the level of formality necessitated by the situation.

9. Be Aware That Signals Can be Misread

According to some, a firm handshake indicates a strong personality while a weak handshake is taken as a lack of fortitude. This example illustrates an important point about the possibility of misreading nonverbal signals. A limp handshake might actually indicate something else entirely, such as arthritis. Always remember to look for groups of behavior. A person’s overall demeanor is far more telling than a single gesture viewed in isolation.

10. Practice, Practice, Practice

Some people just seem to have a knack for using nonverbal communication effectively and correctly interpreting signals from others. These people are often described as being able to “read people.” In reality, you can build this skill by paying careful attention to nonverbal behavior and practicing different types of nonverbal communication with others. By noticing nonverbal behavior and practicing your own skills, you can dramatically improve your communication abilities.

Source: http://psychology.about.com/od/nonverbalcommunication/tp/nonverbaltips.htm

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How to Deal with Impossible People

1. Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they’re called “impossible” for a reason.

2. Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there’s nothing you can do about it. You just need to find a way to deal with them.

3. Do not call out an impossible person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with them. Instead of reaching a place of reconciliation, he or she is likely become even more difficult.

4. Understand that it’s not you, it’s them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people specialise in shifting the blame.

5. "Detach, disassociate and diffuse." Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference.

6. Don’t allow yourself to fall into the trap of getting angry. Chances are that anything you do or say while angry will be used against you in the future. So, do what you can to stay cool and in control.

7. Don’t get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person. If possible, try and only deal with them in when others are around.

Source: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People (Abridged)

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Interacting with other people does not come naturally to me; it is a strain and requires effort. And since it does not come naturally to me I feel like I am not really myself when I make that effort. I feel fairly comfortable with my family, but even with them I sometimes feel the strain of not being alone.
Peter Cameron

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7 Simple Ways to Say “No”

1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.” This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment.

2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?” This lets the person know it’s not a good time. However, you also convey your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.

3. “I’d love to do this, but …” This is a gentle way of saying no. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea but I can’t take part due to other reasons, such as prior commitments.

4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”

This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this.

5. “This doesn’t fit with what I’m looking for now - but I’ll keep you in mind.” Sometimes it is just best to turn the person/ offer down. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on and on.

6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?” Again, sometimes it is best to say you’re the wrong person to help etc. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on instead.

7. “No, I can’t.” The simplest and most direct way to say no.

Source: http://zenhabits.net/say-no/ (Abridged)

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7 Simple Tips for Dealing with Negative People

Tip #1: Don’t engage in the negativity: The first time you talk with a negative individual, provide a listening ear and offer help if needed. However, be sure to draw a line somewhere. If he/she goes into a negative swirl, let him/her continue, but don’t engage in the negativity.

Tip #2: Hang out in groups: Speaking to a negative person can be extremely draining so try have someone else around as well. Another plus point of having someone else around is that people bring out a different side to an individual. Thus, it may bring out a more positive side in the negative person.

Tip #3: Objectify the comments made: Negative people can be quite critical. They tend to drop insensitive comments that are hurtful, especially if they are directed at you. Rather than take his/her words personally, recognize that he/she is just offering a point of view. Sieve out the underlying message and see if there is anything you can learn from what he/she said.

Tip #4: Go with lighter topics: Some negative people are triggered by certain topics. If that happens, bring in a new topic to lighten the mood. Also, keep it to areas the person feels positive towards.

Tip #5: Watch the amount of time you spend with them: As Jim Rohn puts it – “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”. What this quote means is that who you spend your time with has an impact on the person you eventually become.

Tip #6: Identify areas you can make a positive change:  Often negative people are negative because they lack love, positivity and warmth. Think about what’s bothering the person at the moment, and think about how you can help him/her in your own way. The key here is to be sincere in your desire to help, and to show him/her the upsides in life.

Tip #7: Drop them from your life: If all else fails, reduce contact with them or drop them from your life. Rather than spend your time with negative people, focus on the positive people instead. Remember that your life is yours to lead, and it’s up to you how you want it to be.

Source: http://zenhabits.net/negative/ (Abridged)

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How to Succeed in Relationships

1. Pay attention to the way you react to others. Are you quick to form judgments before hearing all the facts?  Do you tend to stereotype people? Try and stand back and analyse your interactions with other people. Is there anything you should change, or do differently? Try putting yourself in their place, and thinking about their outlooks, opinions and needs.

2. What are you like at work or school? Do you try to get attention and be noticed for your successes? It is possible to be humble and self-confident at the same time. When you are humble, you focus on the successes of others. However, you’re also aware of your gifts and strengths, and are quietly confident about your abilities to work well, do a good job, and achieve success.

3. Be open to admitting you may have some weaknesses! All of us have areas we could work on, and improve. Admitting you’re not perfect is not the same as feeling as if you’re a failure. Do an honest self-evaluation and try to turn your weaknesses into strengths?

4. Look at the way your deal with stress, and how you react to stressful situations. Do you get annoyed and upset every time there’s a delay or your plans get frustrated? Do you take the role of victim and start blaming others? Being able to regulate your emotions and stay calm and composed in tough situations is a mark of high emotional intelligence. This is key for succeeding in relationships, at school and in the business world.

5. Be willing to accept responsibility for your actions. If you’ve hurt or upset someone, then admit it to yourself and apologise. Don’t just ignore or avoid the situation. Most people will respect you if you apologise – but you’ll lose respect if you act like nothing`s wrong.

6. Finally, always think about how your actions and words will affect other people. Is it going to make life easy or difficult for them? How would you feel if you were in their place? Then adapt and compromise so that everybody wins.

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Tips for Improving your Social Skills

1. Work on remembering peoples’ names.

2. Make an effort to stay in touch with people – even if it’s only “liking” an occasional photo on facebook, sending a 2 line email, or sending a Christmas card.

3.  Develop and improve your listening skills. This includes not interrupting when others are speaking, not trying to control the conversation, and showing a respectful, genuine interest in the speaker.

4. Hold the door for others, and let others out first (in elevators, on trains and buses etc.)

5. When you’re writing an email, keep it brief and to the point. Nobody wants to read a long, boring essay.

6. Keep your voice down when you’re talking on your phone. No-one wants to hear your private conversations (and especially when you’re travelling on public transport).

7. Show a genuine interest in the passions of others. Ask lots of open questions, and find out what you can about their hobbies and interests.

8. When someone joins a conversation you’re involved it, include them right away, and try to bring them up to speed.

9. Don’t be a whiner or find fault with everything. Instead, being affirming, optimistic, and try and find the positives.

10. Be tolerant and patient with other people, and do what you can to accept them as they are.

11. Don’t go on and on – so other people fall asleep, begin to feel annoyed or want to run and hide from you.

12. Don’t argue back aggressively, or try to pick a fight, if you disagree with someone – even if you know they’re wrong.    

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