Posts tagged abuse

The following questions will help you determine if you’re the type of person who becomes a victim.

1.    Do you tend to stay quiet in relationships instead of confidently asking for what you want?

2.    Do you feel inadequate on your own, and only feel worthwhile if you are part of a couple?

3.    Has a girlfriend or boyfriend, at some point in the past, been able to isolate you from your friends?

4.    Are you too much of a people pleaser?

5.    Do you desperately want and need to be loved?

6.    Do you bury and suppress your anger and resentment?

7.    Do you find it hard to say NO to others, and to set and maintain healthy boundaries?

8.    Would you describe yourself as being over-responsible?

9.    Do you struggle with feelings of false guilt and shame?

10. Do you desperately want to be noticed and affirmed?

11. Do you lose your unique self if in your relationships with others?

12. Do you find hard to disagree with others?

13. Are you the kind of person who takes care of others but doesn’t really take care of themselves?

14.  Do you give more than the other person in close relationships?

15. Are you always saying “sorry”; do you tend to assume that everything “bad” is your fault?

16. Are you a bit on the gullible side; are you easily taken in by others?

17. Do you allow other people to squash your spirit, and suffocate your creativity?

18. Do you tend to ignore that nagging inner voice and to blindly hope that everything will be OK?

19. In relationship, do you pretend that any problems “are no big deal” as you’d rather avoid them, than address them properly?

20. Do you tend to forgive too easily?

It’s crucial for your safety that you know the warning signs:

· He/she blames you for their anger

(Note: There is a difference between having a bad day, and always being blamed for upsetting someone.)

· He/ she sees themselves as a helpless victim; they have no sense of personal responsibility

· He/ she has a substance abuse problem or addiction.

· He/ she has trouble managing intense feelings, such as anger and rage.

· He /she has a history of aggression and reacting violently.

· He/ she threatens you and others others regularly.

· He/ she insults you, puts you down and call you names.

· He/ she dictates your life – what you should wear, who you can spend time with, how you should act etc.

· He/ she tries to isolate you from family, friends or others who could help you (as they could influence how you see the abusive relationship).

· He/ she  breaks, throws away, or “loses” items that matter to you when you upset them

· He/ she makes you doubt yourself and your sanity. For example, through blowing trivial things out of proportion so that they escalate into huge arguments. (This is believed to a form of mind control.)

· He/ she accuses you of creating imaginary problems in the relationship – just to provoke an argument.

· He/ she says derogatory and hurtful things to you - but later says that you imagined it.

· You start doing things you don’t want to do just to stop them getting angry with you, or ending the relationship.

1. Sexual assault is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is threatened, coerced, or forced to engage against their will, or any sexual touching of a person who has not consented.

2. Types of sexual assault include: rape, attempted rape, child sexual abuse (which includes asking or pressuring a child to engage in any kind of sexual activities, indecent exposure, showing children pornography, sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals, viewing the child’s genitalia, or using a child to produce child pornography), elderly sexual abuse, sexual harassment, groping, and sexual domestic violence.

3. In most legal jurisdictions, sexual assault is considered to be a statutory offence (although precise definitions vary from one jurisdiction to another).

4. In almost all cases of sexual assault, victims experience profound long-term psychological effects. These can take the form of denial or rationalization, feelings of helplessness, an aversion to sex, anger, guilt, self-blame, self hatred, anxiety, fear, shame, recurring nightmares, flashbacks, depression, mood-swings, numbness, promiscuity, loneliness, a tendency to isolate oneself, and difficulty trusting oneself or other people.

1. Do they try to keep you from being with your friends or family, or say negative things about them? Do they get jealous if you want to spend time with family or friends?

2. Do they want to control your relationship with them, or their relationships with other people?

3. Do the things they say put people down, or make them feel bad about themselves?

4. Are they overly romantic? Do they shower you with too much, or too constant, attention? Do they want to get close, and move the relationship forwards, too quickly?

5. Are they overly charming, especially after they meet people for the first time? Do they act differently in public than they do in private?

6. Do they talk negatively about previous partners; do they call them unstable or crazy?

7. Do they mainly talk about themselves, and don’t really show much empathy for, or interest in, things that matter to you?

8. Do they insist that you tell them everything about your private life, including how you spend your money? Do they tell you what to wear, or what not to wear?

9. Do they “blow hot and cold”? Does the relationship feel like a roller coaster ride?

10. Do they refuse to respect your boundaries, or to take “no” for an answer?

11. Are they, or have they been, physically or verbally aggressive with others? Are they rude to people who serve them (like waiters or hotel staff)?

12.  Do they try to make you feel bad about yourself? Do they put you down, or humiliate you in public?

13. After an angry outburst, do they act as if nothing happened? Do they accuse you of over-reacting or making stuff up?

14. Have they ever threatened, pushed, shoved, hit, punched or tried to scare you? Do they hit walls or break things when they get angry?

15. Have they ever checked your emails or monitored your online activity (or anyone else’s)?

If you have experienced a number of these in your relationship you may need help and support. One option is to send a message to https://www.facebook.com/IWillStand.page

It’s crucial for your safety that you know the warning signs:

·  He/she blames you for their anger

(Note: There is a difference between having a bad day, and always being blamed for upsetting someone.)

· He/ she sees themselves as a helpless victim; they have no sense of personal responsibility

· He/ she has a substance abuse problem or addiction.

· He/ she has trouble managing intense feelings, such as anger and rage.

· He /she has a history of aggression and reacting violently.

· He/ she threatens you and others others regularly.

· He/ she insults you, puts you down and call you names.

·  He/ she dictates your life – what you should wear, who you can spend time with, how you should act etc.

· He/ she tries to isolate you from family, friends or others who could help you (as they could influence how you see the abusive relationship).

· He/ she  breaks, throws away, or “loses” items that matter to you when you upset them

· He/ she makes you doubt yourself and your sanity. For example, through blowing trivial things out of proportion so that they escalate into huge arguments. (This is believed to a form of mind control.)

· He/ she accuses you of creating imaginary problems in the relationship – just to provoke an argument.

· He/ she says derogatory and hurtful things to you - but later says that you imagined it.

· You start doing things you don’t want to do just to stop them getting angry with you, or ending the relationship.

Abuse can take many forms. It can include:

1. Physical abuse such as hitting, pushing, pinching, shaking, misusing medication, ; withholding food or drink; force-feeding ,scalding, restraint and hair pulling, ; failing to provide physical care and aids to living.

2. Sexual abuse such as rape, sexual assault, or sexual acts to which the person has not or could not have consented, or pressurising someone into sexual acts they don’t understand or feel powerless to refuse.

3. Psychological or emotional abuse such as threats of harm or abandonment, being deprived of social or any other form of contact, humiliation, blaming, controlling, intimidation, coercion, harassment, verbal abuse and being prevented from receiving services or support.

4. Financial or material abuse such as theft, fraud or exploitation, pressure in connection with wills, property, or inheritance, misuse of property, possessions or benefits.

5. Neglect such as ignoring medical or physical care needs and preventing access to health, social care or educational services or withholding the necessities of life such as food, drink and heating, or failing to ensure adequate supervision or exposing a person to unacceptable risk.

6. Discriminatory abuse such as that based on race or sexuality or, harassment, /slurs / maltreatment because of someone’s race, gender, disability, age, faith, culture, or sexual orientation

7. Institutional abuse can sometimes happen in residential homes, nursing homes or hospitals when people are mistreated because of poor or inadequate care, neglect and poor practice that affects the whole of that service.

Source: http://www.lancashire.gov.uk/acs/sites/safeguarding/identifying/index.asp?pageid=12140

These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.

Prepare for emergencies

-      Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.

-      Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.

-      Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.

Make an escape plan

-      Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).

-      Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.

-      Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

If you are in an abusive relationship bear the following truths in mind:

· You did not cause the abuse. It is not your fault.

.  No-one deserves to be treated in that way.

· You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

·  You deserve to feel safe and to have a happy life.

· You are not alone. There are people who can, and will, help you.

As you consider leaving the relationship, remind yourself of the following:

· The chances are it will happen again. Abusers have serious issues which are hard to change. That will only occur if the abusive person accepts responsibility for their actions and stops blaming you, anything else, or anyone else.

· You’re not helping the person to fix their problems by remaining in an abusive relationship. You are simply reinforcing their behaviour and sending the message that “it’s OK”.

· Even when the person begs for your forgiveness and promises to never do it again, those promises are usually empty in the end as the person is stuck in a destructive pattern.

· Although it feels scary to walk away, and you may be worried about repercussions, don’t allow your fear to keep you stuck. Remaining will usually have worse consequences.

Signs that an abuser is not changing (despite what they’ve said – or promised in the past):

· The abuser minimises the abuse or says you are blowing things out of proportion.

· The abuser keeps blaming you for their words or actions. (“It’s all your fault. If you didn’t …”)

· The abuser says it’s not them – you’re the one who is actually abusive.

· He (or she) tries to push you into going for couples’ counselling.

· They say they deserve another chance.

· He or she says they can’t change without your help – so you need to stay in the relationship.

· He or she tries to pressurise others (family or close friends) to see you as “the bad guy”  and to sympathise with them.

Developmental Trauma Disorder has been proposed for inclusion in DSM-V (due to be published in 2013). This would provide a comprehensive lens through which to view the behaviors of children who have experienced trauma during their early lives[1].

Risk Factors for developing the disorder include: multiple traumas or chronic exposure to traumatic experiences, such as neglect, abandonment, violence or any form of social, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. Also, having multiple changes in primary care givers in early childhood.

Typical symptoms include the following:

·         Being unable to cope with, manage and regulate strong emotions

·         Being hypervigilant and over-reacting to minor or benign stimuli

·         Outbursts of anger and rage/ serious temper tantrums

·         Disturbances in regulation of normal bodily functions (sleeping, eating, and elimination)

·         Sensory over or under-reactivity

·         Experiencing dissociation

·         Being out of touch with/ unable to experience emotions

·         Symptoms associated with ADHD

·         Engaging in self harm, excessive thrill-seeking or risk-taking behaviours  

·         Demonstrating maladaptive self-soothing behaviours (such as lying in a foetal position, rocking and compulsive masturbation)

·         Being unable to initiate or sustain goal-directed behavior

·         In childhood and adolescence, assuming the role and responsibilities of the parent (parental role reversal)

·         Extremely poor self image and low self esteem

·         An inability to trust others

·         Over react to displays of physical or verbal aggression

·         Inappropriate physical or emotional intimacy

·         Lack of empathy for others.

Note: Often these traits will continue into adult life.

Characteristics of an emotionally abusive relationship include:

·         Using money as a means of control

·         Threatening to walk out or abandon you

·         Creating fear and anxiety through looks, words, threats and actions

·         Destroying things (and often things you value) – either in a cold and heartless way, or in an angry fit of rage

·         Using blaming, shaming, minimizing and denial to control you

·         Verbally attacking and demeaning you (includes name calling, shouting at you, criticising and putting you down – especially in public)

·         Attacking and putting you down in private, and acting loving and charming in public

·         Minimising the abuse; acting as if you’re over-reacting and it’s “no big deal”

·         Deliberately withholding approval, affirmation and affection as a means of punishment or control

The effects of living with emotional abuse include:

·         A fear of being natural and spontaneous

·         A loss of enthusiasm

·         Insecurity related to how they coming across to others

·         An inner belief that they are deeply flawed

·         A loss of self-confidence and self esteem

·         Growing self-doubt (so they’re afraid to make even the smallest decision, or to take on even the simplest of tasks)   

·         Never trusting their own judgment (as they believe that they’re likely to get it wrong, or to misunderstand or misread everything)

·         Having a constant critic in their head

·         Feeling they should be happier and more upbeat than they are (in order to meet the approval of others)

·         Feeling they’re too sensitive, and ought to “toughen up”

·         Fearing they’re going crazy, or losing their mind

·         Having a tendency to live in the future (“Everything will be OK when/after ….”)

·         A desire to break free, escape or run away

·         A distrust and fear of entering into any close relationships again.

An emotionally abusive person may “dismiss your feelings and needs, expect you to perform humiliating or unpleasant tasks, manipulate you into feeling guilty for trivial things, belittle your outside support system or blame you for unfortunate circumstances in his or her life. Jealousy, possessiveness and mistrust characterize an emotionally abusive person”[1].  In summary, emotional abuse includes the following:

1. Acting as if a person has no value and worth; acting in ways that communicate that the person’s thoughts feelings and beliefs are stupid, don’t matter or should be ignored.

2. Calling the person names; putting them down; mocking, ridiculing, insulting or humiliating them, especially in public.

3. Controlling through fear and intimidation; coercing and terrorizing them; forcing them to witness violence or callousness; threatening to physically harm them, others they love, their animals or possessions; stalking them; threatening abandonment.

4. Isolating them from others, especially their friends and family; physically confining them; telling them how they should think, act, dress, what decisions they can make, who they can see and what they can do (limiting their freedom); controlling their financial affairs.

5. Using that person for your own advantage or gain; exploiting their rights; enticing or forcing another to behave in illegal ways (for example, selling drugs).

6. Stonewalling and ignoring another’s attempt to relate to and interact with them; deliberately emotionally detaching from a person in order to hurt them or “teach them a lesson”; refusing to communicate affection and warmth, or to meet their emotional and psychological needs.

Experiences can leave us with some painful memories. They tie us to the past and prevent us moving on. And the only way to freedom is to work on letting go – so these memories don’t haunt us or keep us trapped in pain. Below are some guidelines to help you work on this.

1.    Before you can let go, you must face whatever happened and accept that it is part of your past experiences. Suppression doesn’t work as a long-term solution. It can only be a band aid that brings temporary relief. Talk to someone you trust, or write about it in your journal. You need to share what happened, in order to move on.

2.    Identify the lessons you have learned from what has happened. There’s always a lesson – so look for what you’ve learned. It doesn’t make it better – but it does lessen its power.

3.    Write the lesson down on a piece of paper and repeat it to yourself when you’re hit by old, painful memories. For example, if you’ve been scarred by abuse, then you might write something like: “My experience of abuse does not determine who I am. I’m a stronger person now, and that is not my destiny. I’m choosing my own future, and the person I will be.”

4.    Repeat this mantra often so it takes root in your mind. Allow it to be stronger than the bad experience. Say it often, till you mean it, then you’ll start to feel you’re freer. Persevere and keep on fighting when those old memories return.

5.    Seek to be a person who’s a peace with themselves. When peace is your focus, old thoughts and memories have much less power over how you think and feel. However, seeking after peace must be a conscious, constant choice.

6.    When the past tries to intrude, focus firmly on the present. Ground yourself in what’s happening around you in the room, and try to breathe deeply - and deliberately relax. You are here in this moment; you’re not living in the past.

7.    Forgive – for your own sake. Try to heal from what happened – then let resentments go. You don’t want them in your life for they’ll just tie you to the past. It’s not an ease process; it takes work and discipline. But it is worth the daily struggle - as one day you’ll be free.

Thought policing is defined as being “any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another person’s thoughts or feelings” It is common in dysfunctional relationships where one person is trying to control another person (or the other members of the family.)

That is, the person doesn’t want you to have your own opinions – so they question, or attack, everything you say or do. This can cause low self-esteem as you’re being trampled over, and not being respected as an independent person.

Remember, you have a right to your opinions, to think for yourself, to choose and decide based on your needs and wishes. Don’t let another person have control of your mind.

It’s crucial for your safety that you know the warning signs:

·         He/she blames you for their anger

(Note: There is a difference between having a bad day, and always being blamed for upsetting someone.)

·         He/ she sees themselves as a helpless victim; they have no sense of personal responsibility

·         He/ she has a substance abuse problem or addiction.

·         He/ she has trouble managing intense feelings, such as anger and rage.

·         He /she has a history of aggression and reacting violently.

·         He/ she threatens you and others others regularly.

·         He/ she insults you, puts you down and call you names.

·         He/ she dictates your life – what you should wear, who you can spend time with, how you should act etc.

·         He/ she tries to isolate you from family, friends or others who could help you (as they could influence how you see the abusive relationship).

·         He/ she  breaks, throws away, or “loses” items that matter to you when you upset them

·         He/ she makes you doubt yourself and your sanity. For example, through blowing trivial things out of proportion so that they escalate into huge arguments. (This is believed to a form of mind control.)

·         He/ she accuses you of creating imaginary problems in the relationship – just to provoke an argument.

·         He/ she says derogatory and hurtful things to you - but later says that you imagined it.

·         You start doing things you don’t want to do just to stop them getting angry with you, or ending the relationship.