Posts tagged Christian counselling
Posts tagged Christian counselling
It is crucial to remember, as counsellors, that grief is very individual and unique. However, research shows that there are certain common stages and tasks that are shared by most people who are dealing with a loss. One popular construct that describes this hard experience is J. William Worden’s Task Oriented Model.
Understanding the Model
As the title implies, Worden saw healthy grieving as working through a series of specific, common tasks. These need to be resolved to fully integrate the loss – so the person is able to move on with their life. Worden saw this as empowering and freeing for the client as it helps them to find meaning and new hope again. But the work is often hard – and it is easy to get stuck, or to give up before they have recovered from their loss. This is seen in the following comment by Worden in his book Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy, (2001, p27):
“It is possible for someone to accomplish some of these tasks and not others, and hence have an incomplete adaptation to the loss, just as one might have incomplete healing from a wound”.
Worden also points out that for some individuals, the tasks won’t follow a sequential order. However, the key ingredient for progress is being willing to work – and not being a passive recipient of grief.
What are the Four Tasks in the Model?
Worden’s four tasks include the following
Task 1 - To accept the reality of the loss: When someone dies, even where this was expected, there will usually be a sense of unreality. This is due to the fact that our minds are designed to protect us from the shock, and finality, of death. Thus, the first task of grieving is confronting the hard truth that the person has now gone and will never return. Thus, the relationship is over – and we cannot get them back.
Task 2 - To work through the pain of grief: The experience and intensity of pain will differ depending on a number of key factors and issues. These include: the circumstances of death (violent versus non-violent, expected versus unexpected), age (the death of a child is harder to accept than the death of an elderly person), the quality of relationship (whether we were very close to that person, or the relationship was fractured and volatile), and so on. But to recover from the loss and to mourn successfully, the actual pain must be worked through on an emotional level. We can’t just think about, or talk about, our loss.
Task 3 - To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing: Worden lists three areas where adjustments must be made, in order to accept and recover from our loss. These are:
· External adjustments: It can take months or years to fully grasp and adjust to the numerous changes that result from death and loss.
· Internal adjustments: Our sense of who we are – or our core identity - is partly defined by our relationships with others (such as a parent, partner, sibling, child or spouse.) Thus, when that person dies it affects our sense of self.
· Spiritual adjustments: Death often challenges our faith and beliefs and can cause us think about the meaning of life. “Is this all there is?”; “what am I living for?”; “Is there life after death?”; “How do I want to live my life?”
Task 4 - To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life: If the process of working through our grief is successful, in time we should be able to face life again. That is, we can look back and be grateful for the times we had together, and laugh about and talk about the memories we shared – whilst also being able to appreciate the present, and to think about a future that could hold some meaning, too.
Note: Although this model was designed to deal with death and mourning, it could also be applied to any kind of loss – such as the death of a meaningful relationship.
"Death is such a tragedy because it robs us of our relationships."
The small bar of chocolate that her friend left on her desk with a handwritten note, “I’m thinking of you!” brought a smile to Jenn’s face as she left for her exam. That little act of kindness injected confidence. She could feel the genuine love and support of her best friend, and her day felt much brighter, and the test less frightening.
We all know what it’s like to wrestle with fear, or to battle with a faltering self-confidence when things are going badly or we feel inadequate. What a difference it makes when someone shows they care, and makes the effort to be kind to us, or and whispers “you can do it - and I believe in you!” And encouraging others is an art that we can learn, and gift that we can give to those whose lives we touch.
There are three main ways that we can give encouragement:
1. Offering support: Pay attention and notice when others need support and consciously affirm their gifts and their strengths. That is, affirm the work they’re doing, and the progress they have made – and act as their cheerleader so they “get there in the end”. It can make all the difference to know that others see and know how hard we’re trying - and they want us to succeed.
2. Respecting and honouring the qualities in others: Notice and acknowledge traits and strength in character. Sometimes we are blind to our personal qualities and become discouraged by our failings and our flaws. It can take us by surprise when someone comments on our strengths – our kindness, patience, gentleness, compassion, thoughtfulness, resilience and commitment – or countless other traits. But when these are recognised it can boost our confidence, and lift our sinking spirits and bring joy in our hearts.
3. Renewing hope: When we’re battling the demons, or it’s hard to persevere as it feels as if our problems will never disappear, a hug or a kind word can renew our hope again.
It doesn’t cost us much – but it makes a difference – to those who need a friend who will be encouraging.